Breathe For Me
by Sugarbubbleslove
Summary: It was too much, it was all too much…why couldn't she stop and breathe? - Mass Effect 3


Title: Breathe For Me

Characters: Kaidan Alenko, Female Shepard

Pairings: Kaidan/Jane Shepard

Rating: Teen

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone/anything from the forum Mass Effect. Bioware owns Mass Effect and its characters. There is no copyright infringement intended. I do not make any profit/money or take any credit.

Summary: It was too much, it was all too much…why couldn't she stop and breathe?

Timeline: Mass Effect 3, after Kaidan re-joins the Normandy

Warning: Spoilers for ME3, character death, angst .

Author's Notes: I always thought of my Shepard was someone who had a spark and loved learning new things in the first game but slowly began to lose that love as each pressure was added to her shoulders – which ended in this being written.

'Breathe For Me'

She should be sleeping, she knows she should be sleeping but she was haunted by everyone and everything. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees everything all over again and it feels she can't breathe anymore.

She can't remember the last time she breathed. She thinks it might have been when she died after the Collectors demolished her ship causing her to be spaced.

Or it could have been before she had been hit by the beacon.

It has been so long since she last breathed.

She wandered through the halls of the Normandy. Only the skeleton crew was running the ship, everyone had been given the order to take time off by Doctor Chakwas and she didn't blame the doctor for giving the order.

But she also knows the doctor had been looking at her when she gave the crew the order but she chose to ignore it. How can she sleep with the Galaxy burning? How she could she sleep after seeing her two closest companions die?

She made her way through the CIC room, heading into the small room that held the scanner. The soldiers that usually manned it were currently in their quarters, either sleeping or talking. She was grateful that it was empty, it gave her hope the war room was also empty.

She needed to be alone.

Passing through the scanner, she took a deep breath and opened the door only to stop when she passed the threshold. How could she have forgotten?

Before her laid the temporary meeting room, where it was the safest place to discuss strategies or to hold a meeting on a neutral ground – she had refused to let her ship become a battlefield, there was enough of that within the galaxy.

But right now, the meeting room slowly transformed before her eyes, returning to its original state. Her knees suddenly locked, her hand coming up to rest on the wall to hold her up as she stared in disbelief.

Mordin's laboratory. There in the corner, there had been a bed where she used to lie, just listening to Mordin's humming as he conducted his experiments. It had been difficult to sleep in her quarters and he was the one she trusted the most until she got to know the others.

The table where Mordin's experiments were conducted. The window where he would sometimes stop and stare out as if expecting the galaxy to give him the answer to a question he wanted solved.

Tears filled her eyes and a harsh sob broke free as she slid down onto her knees, unable to hold herself up anymore. She would never get to hear him hum as he worked. He would never sing that song – the song she knew he sang when he fixed the tower, allowing him to cure the genophage.

She would never get to talk to him again, to hear his views or stories of his work with the STG. It was enough to break her for the moment.

~_BFM_~

Kaidan Alenko was currently in the Starboard Observation Lounge attempting to read. It was difficult to do so and he found his gaze wandering to the window that allowed him to see the stars. Funny how peaceful things seemed in space when you knew planets was burning.

He sighed. There was another reason why he couldn't read.

Commander Jane Shepard. The one woman who managed to capture his heart, and break it. He remembered when he met her for the first time; she had been an upbeat cheerful woman who took everything in with a hunger.

He remembered her constantly asking him, and Ashley, and Liara, and Tali, and Wrex, and Garrus on their histories. She wanted to know more about their cultures, their abilities, everything and anything they could tell her.

Comparing her to the woman she was now – he can see a major difference and it made his chest tightened. He wasn't so sure where to go from here. For two years, he believed she was dead only for her to show up on Horizon.

He shied away from the memories, especially as he remembered getting an email from Miranda Lawson – a Cerberus associate, a highly ranked one considering she was pretty much the only one to meet The Illusive Man face to face – detailing her efforts in bringing Shepard back to life.

"Major Alenko," a soft feminine voice broke into his thoughts and his head drifted backward to rest on the couch. He closed his eyes, counted to ten before he gave her authorisation to continue talking. "I am worried for Commander Shepard." His eyes snapped open, his gaze locking onto the ceiling. "She is experiencing distress."

"Where is she?" he was already rising from the couch, the book dropping from his hand and onto the leather material. It was all on automatic that he felt he was back on the first Normandy, searching for Shepard after a hard mission that took a lot out of her.

"In the meeting room," EDI told him, already unlocking the door by the time he reached it and it unsettled him for a moment. Each moment she spent with Shepard turned her more human. Just another aspect that made Shepard so unique.

It didn't take him long to reach the floor, EDI was moving at a pace which told Kaidan just how worried she was for their Commander and it never failed to amaze him at how loyal her teams could be.

He had read the missions reports and how she gained each loyalty. It just reminded him of when he served her with on the first Normandy and how easy it was to believe in her, how easy it was to follow her into hell and believe that she would bring them back alive. Something she strived to do at all cost.

He entered the meeting room, his dark eyes scanning the room until he spotted her. She was huddled between boxes that hadn't been unpacked. Her hair pulled back in a ponytail and she wore an alliance t-shirt and his grey joggers she nicked during their relationship three years ago.

He could see they were still too long for her, covering her feet but he could see that they had gotten bigger around her waist and wondered how much weight she had lost since everything had started.

Her shoulders were shaking with supressed sobs and it tore at his heart to see the strong vibrant woman he once knew was slowly breaking down under the stress.

"Shepard…" he reached her, kneeling down and one hand going to her shoulder. She lifted her face, red-rimmed blue eyes meeting his concerned brown ones and fresh tears filled them.

"This used to be his room," she whispered, her gaze turning to the table, taking on a far-away look. He sat down next to her, his hand sliding down her arm until their hands met. She laced their fingers automatically and he felt he couldn't breathe at the feel of her touch once more – it had been so long since he touched her.

"Whose?" he asked.

"Mordin," he immediately flashed back to the reports he had received over Shepard's missions the past year when she had been brought to work with Cerberus in a bid to take down the Collectors and Reapers. She managed to wipe one out of the enemies, the other proved more formidable.

Mordin Solus, the Salarian doctor who had found a way to stop the Seekers from paralysing the group, allowing them to move against the Collectors. The one who helped to create the Genophage. He remembered hearing that he had died on Tuchanka helping to disperse the cure.

He remembered he had met the Salarian on Horizon where he met Shepard for the first time in two years. He just stood there, watching the scene and he had a knowing look in his eyes when Kaidan walked away from Shepard. That look had tormented him for months.

"He was the one I talked to about you," she admitted, breaking the silence and he turned to look at her. She wasn't with him; she had been transported back to that time in her memories. "He was the first person I told about our relationship." She gave a breathless laugh before she shook her head, closing her eyes as tears spilled free.

Unable to help himself, he reached over with his free hand, wiping the tears away softly and she turned to face him. "You would have liked him."

"Yeah?" a smile crossed his face. She nodded, a wry smile gracing her lips.

"The two of you are alike, you're both geeks." She laughed. "He was constantly reworking his Omni-tool, always trying to push its limit and prove it can do better. The conversations the two of you could have, if he let you get a word in."

"He sounds like a good man," he whispered and she nodded, wiping away the tear that slipped free.

"He was the best. He tried his best in his field. Even though he helped to create the genophage, he was the one who cured it. Wrex," she gave a half sob, half laugh as she shook her head, "Wrex admires him. God, how many times have we heard him wish death on those who helped to cull their numbers?" She rolled her eyes. "He respects him and he's thankful for Mordin for sacrificing himself to help cure them."

More tears slipped free and she tugged her hand free from Kaidan's, both of them coming up to her face. Kaidan used the moment to shift closer, sliding an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a sideway hug.

He knew that she had lost Thane after he protected Councillor Valern from Kai Lang. The Drell had visited him a few times while he had been in the hospital recovering from the attack on Mars.

And now she has lost Mordin. Looking at her told him that she was slowly breaking and he wasn't so sure how to help her through this.

After a moment, she spoke up once more, her breath shuddery as she tried to control her tears once more.

"There used to be a bed over there," she pointed in the direction. "I've lost count of how many times I fell asleep in here, just listening to him hum and mumble under his breath." Her eyes lowered to the ground when she felt Kaidan's gaze on her. "It was easier to sleep in here than it was in the Captain's Quarters."

He understood. He had received a tour when he arrived on the Normandy and the moment he saw the Skylight above her bed, he knew it would have taken her an age to sleep under it. Being spaced would do that to a person and he had wondered if it had been put there for that reason – to keep her on edge.

He removed his arm from her shoulder, his hand taking her hand back in his. He saw the brief look of sadness before it was gone and she laced their fingers once more. His heart felt heavy and light at the same time.

"He reminded me of you," she admitted, turning to look at him. "You both had that same aura, that calmness that allowed me to breathe no matter how thick the tension was. That same solidness that made me felt that I could lean against you for just a moment and feel strong to take on anything when I straightened."

"Shepard…" his throat tightened and her gaze went to their interlocked hands.

"It made me feel that I still had you." He closed his eyes, wishing he could go back and smack himself for being a stupid idiot, but seeing her had thrown him for a loop. He had been unable to see anything but her, alive and somewhat whole.

All his feelings that he thought he had buried came rushing to the front, forcing him to realise that he had never gotten over her, no matter what he said or thought. He was still in love with her and would always be.

He didn't know what to say. He wanted to say he was sorry but he had a feeling that wasn't what she wanted to hear right now and he didn't think this was time or place to be having this conversation.

"I can't breathe," she admitted and he looked at her, alarmed. "I can't remember the last time I could breathe." His features softened when he realised what she was talking about. She had been thrown from one situation to another without pause.

She couldn't stop, she had to keep moving otherwise she would probably break down and never get back up again, and the thought chilled him to the core.

She was still the same Shepard but at the same time, she wasn't. She had died, she knew what it was like to die and to come back without her consent – a fact he both hated and was grateful to Cerberus for.

She tried her hardest to fight against the Reapers when they were controlling Saren and the Geths only to die as a result of the Councillors refusing to accept the reality of the Reapers.

She came back only to find that two years had gone by; everyone had moved on and pretended the Reapers didn't exist – anyone who tried to counter that was smacked down pretty hard. He was sure he got his promotions only to shut him up.

She had been the one to recruit the team to go through the Omega 4 relay, a suicide mission if there was ever one, and she stopped the Collectors and brought everyone home.

Yet that wasn't enough for them to accept the Reapers. She was forced to destroy the Alpha Relay, causing 300,000 deaths, just to delay the invasion of the reapers by a few months.

What did they do? They court-martialled her, paraded her in front of everyone promising that she was going to get the punishment she was due all the while ignoring the threat of the Reapers.

And now they had proof the Reapers existed, that they were gunning for humanity and destroying everything in their path just to get to them. Planets, home worlds, were being ripped apart. People were dying left and right and there was nothing they could do but accept it.

And it hit him like a ton of bricks. Not once did anyone acknowledge she was right for three years and not once did anyone apologise to her for throwing her out to the wolves.

All they did was order her to take the war to the Reapers, to find war assets, to help solve their problems before they could promise her any help.

He looked at her once more and this time he saw past the mask she put on to fool everyone but those who actually knows her. He can see the tired lines, the spark she once had was all but gone but slowly dimming every day.

She looked older than she was and it made him crave for the time where she looked her age, had that spark that showed him that life was worth the risk despite the loss of control – something he relished when he was with her and suddenly he knew what he could do at this moment.

"You can lean on me," He whispered and she turned to look at him. He gave her a small smile, stroking back a lock of her dark hair. "I'll be your rock until you feel you can be strong again. I'll hold you until you feel you can breathe again."

She stared at him for a long moment before she exhaled, giving him a tired smile before she rested her head on his shoulder, her eyes closing.

"Can we just stay here for a moment?" she asked.

"We can stay here as long as you want," he promised, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head before resting his cheek on the spot. Her breathing evened out and he let out a sigh of relief.

They still had a long way to go to mend their friendship, to rebuild their trust in the other and maybe start anew regarding their relationship.

But this…it wasn't a bad start on that road – no matter how bleak the future looked.

The End

Seriously – I NEED to lay of the angst – what the heck is wrong with me?! _


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